Desperately Seeking Direction

I met my BFF in 1987 in Tucson, Arizona. Laurie and I both worked for the same insurance company. I was her boss.

To hear Laurie tell the story, she would say, "I'll never forget your scrawny little butt walking in my office. You had on a suit and you were carrying a briefcase and you thought you knew everything. I wanted to scratch your eyeballs out."

Fast forward 25 years later and I am blind anyway. Over the past 25 years, Laurie and I have been through everything and been everywhere together.

Here we are in front of the Monte Carlo hotel in Monaco in 2010.

Here we are in front of the Monte Carlo hotel in Las Vegas during Y2K, right before the world ended.

I've risked my life skiing with Laurie.

We've been to Alcatraz together.

We've had really important conversations over the years.

"Ohmygod, I'm like so totally bloated.  I ate 3 baby carrots and half a yogurt today."

"Ohmygod.  I weight almost 110.  Could I die?"

I am the only witness in the world to Laurie's wedding in Vegas.  Yes, we are both pregnant.  Nothing screams Vegas like a pregnant bride and a pregnant bridesmaid.  Woot!


So over the past 25 years, Laurie and I seem to hit the same stages at the same times.  Her daughter, Ava, is 6 weeks younger than Austin.  They are both in first grade.

Laurie doesn't read my blog frequently.  If I know you in real life and have your phone number, I probably talk to you 17 times a day, so the last thing you want to do is read my blog.

So tonight I called her freaking out because I'm failing my training class.  My new job requires that I can find you if you are lost and it turns out that I am directionally-challenged.  Since I've only ever been an insurance salesperson all my life, if you call me to find your way out of a snowstorm, I'll probably tell you, "I have no idea where you are, Mr. Jones, but can I interest you in purchasing a GPS system and car insurance?"

I found my way out of Europe with Laurie, but I can't find my way out of Omaha by myself.

"I can't talk to you right now, Michele.  I'm pulling into Kumon Learning Center.", Laurie told me when she answered the phone.

"Why are you going to Kumon?"

"I don't have time to tell you everything but Ava is really struggling with math.  They keep sending home these crazy worksheets that make no sense at all.  Andrew and I can't figure them out to even help her.  I'm having her evaluated at Kumon to see if she has a learning disability.  Then we're going to pay for tutoring."

"Have you been reading my blog?", I screeched into the phone.

"No.  I have to go.  I'll call you back."

Then I started texting her.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MATH CURRICULUM THEY ARE USING AT YOUR SCHOOL.  CALL ME BACK ASAP.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR CHILD.  CALL ME.

ARE YOU DONE YET?  I NEED TO KNOW YOUR MATH CURRICULUM.

57 hours later, she called me back.

"I'm looking at one of the stupid, stupid, stupid worksheets and it says enVision math by Scott Foresman.", she said.

AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's our stupid, stupid, stupid curriculum!!!!!!

We've come full circle in our life odyssey, me and Laurie.

You know what?  Kumon tested Laurie's child and she breezed through the evaluation.  She can do math just fine.

"Do you understand why I'm homeschooling the children in math now?", I asked her.

So I'd like to send out a shout to Scott Foresman for making our children stupid and disabled with your piss poor math curriculum.   YOU SUCK!

I told Laurie to get to the dollar store immediately and get some flash cards and start drilling Ava on her math facts.

I don't know where Laurie and I will end up next, but we are both on this sinking math ship and we can't find the lifeboat.  Can anyone give me directions?  I can't read the map.