I Am Fully Prepared To Eat Greg If I Have To

We left our home yesterday to venture across the desert.  I was really excited about the prospect of missing all the Hoover Dam traffic now that the gazillion dollar bypass bridge is open.

No such luck.  Instead of traffic backing up at the security checkpoint, now it just backs up all the way through Boulder City.  It took us just as long, or even longer, to get over the Colorado River.  Phoenix and Las Vegas are the two largest metropolitan areas in the country not yet connected by a major interstate.  I am all for funding Interstate 11.  As long as we are still earmarking some fake money to other states, let's throw some THIS WAY.

Greg and I got in an argument on the way out of Kingman, Arizona over whether this was "weather" in the distance.

When we were in a DEAD STOP in a snowstorm on I40, I concluded that I was correct.  I Facebooked that I was prepared to eat Greg if we were stuck in traffic all night, like the Donner Party.  Finnskimo, my fake internet Eskimo friend, posted back and said, "Start with the ass, it has the highest concentration of fat to keep you warm. Try to keep the innards away from the meat, so they're not contaminated, and for a fresh warm drink, sip blood from the deflated lungs. :). You'll live".

This is an example of why I sometimes lose as many as 12 "friends" a day on Facebook.  What kind of freak AM I?

But we made it to Phoenix, where it is the coldest I can ever remember Phoenix being.  The news said this is an arctic blast from Alaska.  Uh, thanks a lot Finnskimo!

We hung out at my friend Laurie's last night and now we are Greg's friend Marc's house.  The plan for tonight is to hang out at my sister's, where her neighborhood puts on its annual block party.  I think we brought the wrong clothing, since it below freezing right now and looks like it might actually snow!  What the heck?

Gosh, I hope my chickens have not turned into icicles back at home.

Thank goodness the trampoline is in the house!

 

Houston: We Have A Problem

Santa brought Gregory a Rocket Car for Christmas and I was very thankful I have Greg, because I took one look at the instructions and knew if I tried to make something using vinegar and baking soda, I would blow myself up.

Here goes the fuel.

Attempt number 1.



Attempt number 2.



Attempt number 3.



Then we ran out of vinegar. Greg said we could have made an awful lot of salad dressing.

On that note, we are blasting out of here today and heading to Phoenix for New Year's. We are staying close to my sister's house at Greg's recently divorced friend's house. He has 20 foot high ceilings in his dining room, so he put a trampoline inside the house. I can totally see Greg doing something that ridiculous if we got divorced. The kids are going to have a blast.

I just hope they don't eat and jump and blow up like our rocket car. It could get ugly.

May the force be with us!

Solving The World's Dilemmas

Yesterday I told Greg the kids and I were going to the park to meet a fake internet friend.

"Okay. Have fun.", he said without even looking up.

He didn't even ask me what park I was going to. Hello? I am going to meet a fake internet friend at an undisclosed location with all your children.


This time I had the pleasure of meeting a triplet mom from Indiana.  She was in town with her husband and her all boy five year old triplets.  Unlike my husband, her husband came with her and she also brought her parents and her brother and his wife and their kid.  I could have been a really big scary hairy dude.

In reality, my friend Laura made the arrangements.  Melanie had bought capes from Laura.  You guys have to see the capes Laura makes.  She does such a good job on them.  She should have an Etsy site.

They are superhero capes and they must have magic powers to make your children all have to use the restroom at the same time.  This picture makes me laugh.

We had four sets of triplets at our little rendezvous yesterday.

I was the only one with a fourth triplet though.  Stand up you fourth triplet, you.

I was the only one with mixed sex triplets too.  Everyone has all boy or all girl sets lately.  What is up with that?

It was another easy and fun time, talking about all the crazy people on the internet.  You know who you are.
It is so weird to get together with "strangers" and have so much to talk about.  There are a lot of dramas playing out all over the world that must be hashed and re-hashed and scrutinized.  You cannot imagine what a burden it is to know exactly what people should do to make their lives better.  Everyone except yourself.

But if you have a problem to solve, the women folk will figure it out.  You don't even have to ask.  We will probably tell you how to solve it without asking.  Point me to the crazy or give me some drama to solve.

Oh, wait.  Are you pointing at ME?

As for my back problem, Greg made me lay face down on the floor and he began realigning my spine.  What makes him qualified to do that?  Absolutely nothing.  But during the process, we heard a large cracking sound, then amazingly, I could stand up without pain.  I only had a dull pain which began diminishing over the next 24 hours.  Now it barely hurts at all.

Ten years ago, I began developing a large cyst on my wrist.  Every day it grew until it was the size of a small rubber ball.  I was horrified and was having trouble typing.  I went to the doctor and they scheduled a small surgery to drain it.  When Greg heard about that, he told me to put my hand on the arm of the couch.

WHACK!!!!!

He slammed the Bible on my wrist and smashed the cyst.  I called and cancelled my appointment and it never grew back.  Greg is like having your very own doctor.  Or Rambo.  

So if anyone is having cyst or back problems, I can solve those for you.  Just come on over fake internet friends.  We will hook you up.

Now on to some super exciting news.  I probably don't mention it, but Greg and I actively trade in the stock market.  Greg, more so, than me.  If you want to make money in the stock market, just do the exact opposite of Greg.  That's what I've learned over the years.

Six months ago, I bought a 1000 shares of HAIN (HAIN Celestial Group).  They own all the gluten free and organic brands I buy every week, like Arrowhead Mills, DeBoles, Earth's Best Organic, Maranatha, and Spectrum.  I know that the gluten free trend is growing exponentially.  It's like the new Atkin's, so that's why I bought the stock.  

Get this.  I forgot about it.  I just looked at my portfolio and it has gone up 54.4 percent in the last 6 months!!!

The babies are gettin' some new shoes!!!  I love solving the world's gluten problems and making some MONEY at the same time.  Show me the money!!!!!  Okay.  Now should I cash out?  What to do.  What to do.  I can't see it going much higher.  I'm totally a Take The Money And Run investor.

Edited to add:  Greg and I are fighting over who bought HAIN first.  I'm really sure that Greg tracks gluten free and organic food.  I think we can all agree that I would have bought it first.

Multiples Math Logic

We have not been idle on our winter break. The kids have been working on math in the IXL website I signed up for a couple weeks ago. So far as a group, the four of them have logged in over 18 hours of math work. Austin is now 35 percent proficient in kindergarten math standards. Not just math standards in the third world country of Nevada, but proficient in math standards in the rest of the developed world. The other three are nearing 15 percent proficiency in first grade math.

There is a lot to learn in math in first grade, and missing math completely in kindergarten last year, means I am not just sticking them on the computer and walking away. I am actually going over the concepts and actually teaching them the standards. Then I stick them on the computer and walk away.  But sometimes I can't even do that, then I am stuck going over and over and over the same concepts.

Like the Days Of The Week Concept in the First Grade Standards.  My kids have known the days of the week since three year old preschool.  They learned the Addams Family song.  Did your kids learn that?



We've been singing that song for three years.

But in the Days Of The Week Concept in first grade, they ask questions like this:

Tomorrow is Monday.  What was yesterday?

Wait.  What?  You are asking me?  I haven't known what day of the week it is since I sold my insurance agency 8.5 years ago.  Today will be exactly like yesterday.  I will get up and make you breakfast.  Then I will clean it up.  Then I will make you lunch.  Then I will clean it up.  Then I will make dinner.  Then I will clean it up.

Is this a life skill they really need?

So I spent an enormous amount of time going over that concept.

"I know it doesn't say it in the question, but you have to figure out what day TODAY is in order to know what day yesterday was and what day tomorrow is.", I tried to explain.  I am SO NOT A TEACHER.

"But, Mom, isn't today FRIDAY?"

"Yes.  But that isn't your math question.  Focus on your MATH question."

I actually had people crying on that concept.  I don't remember which people, but there were tears.  Nobody could get that you had to figure out what day it is right now, except not RIGHT NOW in real life, in order to figure out what day it was yesterday or tomorrow.  I should have gotten a calendar right in front of them or something.

Finally, we moved on to Fractions.  Did you guys do fractions in first grade?  I looked at the title and cringed. How many tears would I get in fractions?  I totally don't remember crying during math lessons at school.

But lo and behold, fractions are something that multiples have a firm, firm grip on.  In fact, I would say multiples instinctively get fractions.  I didn't even have to explain fractions.

Like they KNOW this donut is not correctly cut in thirds.  Oh, boy, do they know.  Can you triplet mothers imagine trying to divvy up that donut without causing an insurrection?  That donut would cause falling on the floor and seizures in a set of three year old triplets.

This is a properly cut up grapefruit.  This could pass inspection in our house.  My children automatically know thirds.

This is a properly cut up pumpkin.  They can eyeball anything and know if it is equally distributed.

This instinctive Multiples Math worked when we moved on to Estimating as well.

All those years of pouring 4 ounces of juice for one, then pouring 3 7/8 ounces of juice for someone else, and having people scream the roof down has paid off.

They KNOW when you've given one person 50 kernels of popcorn and they only got 49 kernels of popcorn.     They are superior estimators.

Now if I could somehow teach them to cut stuff up in thirds on the day after tomorrow, we'd be all set for second grade.

Crack, Spackle, And Pop

I almost died on Christmas day.

Remember the day we went bowling? The kids were using bumpers to keep their balls from going in the gutter. One of Misti's boys threw his ball down the lane and it went up over the bumper and got stuck. So I walked down the middle, retrieved his ball, then made the mistake of stepping on to the lane. Oops. I hadn't been bowling in 20 years and I forgot how slippery those lanes are. I immediately went sliding and caught myself from falling down and jumped back into the middle.

But I did something to my back. It only hurt a little so I ignored it. Then over the next two days, it got progressively worse. I stood in the kitchen on Christmas Eve and rolled out nut roll the entire morning and by Christmas Eve night, my back was in bad shape. On Christmas morning, I could not get out of bed. I was finally able to get into a standing position and I asked Greg if he had anything I could take to make it through the day. He had some seven year old pain pills. So I took two.

BIG MISTAKE. I should have known better, because both times they gave me something in the hospital after my csections, I vomited for 24 hours. Within 45 minutes of taking the pills, I started vomiting and vomited for 10 solid hours. I couldn't even sit up straight. So I would try to get out of bed and look at what the kids were getting, then get back in bed. It was HORRIBLE. I actually laid there at one point, trembling and my heart was racing and the room was spinning, and I thought I was going to die on Christmas. It would be a terrible scandal.

Maybe they would think Greg killed me ON PURPOSE?

Anyway, when the pills finally got out of my system, 12 hours later, I was fine. My back is still completely out, but I do not even care. I will take the pain. I guess I can say with a 100 percent accuracy that I will never turn into a pain pill junkie.

So I am able to walk around, but I have trouble getting from a sitting position to a standing position. Greg's older brother and family are in town now and staying at Greg's mom's house. We were over there last night.

My sister-in-law Jill told me that she got a lovely pair of binoculars from Greg's brother for Christmas.

"That sounds splendid. Will you wear them as a necklace? I got a toaster. I'm going to toast. Not for myself, because I can't eat bread. But I'm going to toast stuff for other people with my Christmas present.", I told her.

"I'm going to peer into the landscape with mine.", she told me.

Then we gave each other a high five and laughed like lunatics. Jill's been married to Greg's brother for 25 years and I've been with Greg for 21 years and you hone a very warped sense of humor over the years, let me tell you. Those S brothers really know how to spoil their women.

Uncle Bill got Greg this equally funny gift.

It's an extra long shirt to fight Plumber's Butt.

I love the directions!!!!!  Greg needed this shirt!!!

Grammy got my niece Claire some pepper spray.  You never know when you might have to put some eyes out.

If anyone is looking for me, I am home, making potholders and toasting stuff.  I now have enough potholders to circle the earth.  Perhaps I can stitch them together and make a back brace.

Rockin Around The Christmas Tree

Will He Come? Will He?

The suspense is killing me.

Let It Blow, Let It Blow, Let It Blow

Greg took all the children with him yesterday at 10am. They didn't get home until 5pm. They were gone the entire day, which means I got all the presents wrapped and the entire house cleaned and for the first time since the children were born, NOBODY is sick and everything is ready.

What a crazy, delightful feeling.

This is the first year I have been able to put all the presents from Mom and Dad under the tree ahead of time too. I was worried about Gregory. He's a sneaky one, but he has been fine. This is also the first year that Greg and I will not be up all night trying to assemble stuff.

After dinner, we drove over to Townsquare to meet up with Andi and Jen and their triplet girls and Laura and her triplet boys.

Andi had texted me and said they make snow come out of the trees at 7pm.  So we waited around on the fake grass for the fake snow to start falling.  That's the way we do it in Vegas.

Here it comes, boys!

Let it snow, let it snow, let is snow.

"Hey!  Wait a second!  Is this snow or are these BUBBLES?"

"Moooooooom.   The snow is hurting my eyes!!!!!"

Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow.

We will be spending Christmas Eve tracking Santa down on NORAD and eagerly anticipating his arrival and eating dinner at Greg's mom's.  Uncle Bill arrived from Texas and the kids can't wait to see him.  We are having ham, scalloped potatoes, and fresh broccoli and cauliflower from my garden.  What's on your menu?

The countdown is on for Santa and Gregory is beside himself.  He just came and joined me on the couch, while I'm typing, and told me we need to get outside and get the backyard cleaned up so Santa has room to land his sleigh.

May all your Christmas Eves be full of laughter, love, and blowing bubbles.  Or snow.

Merry Christmas!

How The Extreme Athletes Spend Rainy Days

Over the last four days, we have had nonstop torrential rain. It was fun for the first 2 hours, then it was not fun because the kids are stuck in the house. It's been so long since we've seen the sun, I've started turning back into a white person.

A couple days after we went sledding, it was banned on Mt Charleston for lack of snow. Despite getting 83 inches of snow in the last four days, the ban will continue until the first of the year. The Grinch has stolen sledding from Las Vegas.

In an attempt to do something -anything - to keep the children occupied, I met my friend Misti and her triplets at the Santa Fe casino yesterday to go bowling. I have lived in Las Vegas for 17 years and have never been in the Santa Fe. Isn't that weird?

Now I know where all the old ashtrays go to die.  Holy smokes!!!!  I had to take all my clothes off and wash them when I got home because I smelled like I had been in a bar and licked the inside of an ashtray.

The kids had never been bowling before.  When I told Greg that Misti and I were taking all the kids bowling, he said, "You and Misti?  You two are the most nonathletic people on earth."

We are not!  We are supreme athletes!!!!  You wouldn't believe the form I taught the kids.

We bowled boys against the girls to make things more interesting.  Girls won!  That was because Misti and I are girls and we are supreme athletes!

See?  Never mind that Sarah is 20 and 30 points ahead of us and beat everyone.  Misti and I rock the lanes.  Literally.

None of the kids had seen each other since summer and I had to crack up when they all spent several minutes inspecting each other's teeth.   Misti's kids have lost an enormous amount of teeth compared to my kids and they are only a month apart in age.  Gregory has yet to loose a single tooth, which is starting to become a huge problem for him.  He is almost seven years old.

"I'm a little baby, with little baby teeth.", he told me.

I feel bad.  I have no idea why his teeth aren't coming out.  Do you think this is normal?

Finally, the sun is shining today.   I don't not know how you guys live where the sun goes away for weeks at a time.  I plan on throwing my kids out of the house today and power cleaning.

Just as soon as I run 20 miles and bike 40 miles because I'm an extreme athlete.  Heh.

It's Not Your Fault. Blame Your Parents

Right as I was pulling into the parking garage at the Bellagio yesterday, on my way to take my kiddos to see the festive flower display in the Conservatory, my sister called me.

"You can just continue being the Perfect Parent, Michele, and the odds are that at least two of your kids will end up being drug addicts.", she told me.

Well, top of the morning to you too, Scrooge.  Are there no prisons?  Are there no workhouses?

My sister is at that stage in parenting where she is watching her friends whose kids are not doing well in adulthood.

I am of the mind that you can do everything right and just have kids that are going to make the wrong choices and make bad decisions and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.   I think the biggest mistakes parents make is believing that every choice their adult children make is due to something they did or didn't do as parents.  Hey.  My parents went out of their way to make bad parenting decisions and Nancy and I turned out okay.

And it's not my dad's fault we turned out okay.  God only knows he did his best to screw us up.

I told Greg what my sister said later and Greg said, "If two turn out to be drug addicts, do you think they will share their stash with us?"

I don't know about you guys, but I made some really, really poor decisions on my way to adulthood.  My sister was aghast to hear that the high school students were talking about spending their weekend at parties and who went to parties and what they did at parties.

Good grief.  I spent the better part of high school, driving around in Cheryl Brown's canary yellow Maverick, looking for parties.  If we had only had cell phones back then.  I used to only run into my sister on my way home from PARTIES.

In fact, I'm still driving around looking for parties.  Now I'm in a minivan with four kids.  This is the World's Largest Chocolate Fountain at Jean-Philippe Chocolates.  That's my kind of party.

We took the tram from the Bellagio over to CityCenter to check out Aria and Crystals.  Look at the valet in the background.  He is like, "What is that lady with four kids DOING?"

Aria is absolutely beautiful.  Even though I think the CityCenter is an architectural nightmare, the insides of the hotels are splendid.  You just have to make your way through the uninviting concrete maze to get there.  I think their biggest mistake was making the entrances too far off the beaten path and not having an anchor to entice people in.  They look as inviting as walking into an airport or train station.  We need a volcano or a big fountain or a pirate ship if you want us to come inside.

Has anyone else been in the mall there?  WOW!  Crystals is amazing.

They have the coolest water display in the mall.  We spent a long time there.

I must say that the tourists were unreasonably grumpy for the holidays.  People were not friendly or happy on the Strip yesterday.  They all had their Vegas Faces on, which means I predict gaming revenue will be up for December.  Suckers.

We waited so patiently behind 420 Japanese tourists to take the kids' picture in front of the Christmas tree in the Bellagio.  I kept waiting for them to clear out, when this lady said to me abruptly, "Are you going to just STAND THERE?"

She was really mad that she had to wait behind us.

"I am waiting to take my children's picture.", I told her.  "They have been waiting so patiently.  Isn't that amazing?"

It's so hard to set a good example when you really want to say, "Wait your goddamn turn, or I'll rip your head off and piss in your neck."

I should have said that though, then maybe only one of my children will become a drug addict.

All I know is Nancy and I made terrible mistakes in adulthood, because we can't afford to shop at Crystals.  Where did we go wrong?

This MUST be our dad's fault.  When all else fails, blame the parent.

What Is Under The Tree

I spent most of yesterday taking one child at a time to the store to buy presents for their siblings. What a fun, fun day. I loved seeing what they picked out for each other and how much joy they got out of getting something for others. When I was done, hours later, with all four, then each child wrapped the gifts for his brothers and sisters.

Gregory got Sarah a stuffed dog, a baby Zhu Zhu pet for Amanda, and Legos for Austin.

Amanda got Gregory a football, Austin an air hockey game, and Sarah some Pet Shop animals.

Sarah got Gregory Moonsand, Austin Aquasand, and another baby Zhu Zhu pet for Amanda.

Austin got Amanda the Zhu Zhu stroller for all her babies, a bead making set for Sarah, and a nerf football for Gregory.

After the children went to sleep, I wrapped and wrapped the gifts I got for them from Fatbrain Toys. Here is what I ended up buying.

For Austin:

I got Reptangles.

And blue Steppers.

For both the boys, I got Stomp Rockets.

For Gregory, I got the Yo Baby Kick Flipper, which should help him gain skills for his skateboard.

I also got him A Moon In My Room.  He is still afraid of the dark, so now he will have a remote control to the moon.

For both the boys, I got the Snap Circuits Pro.  Can't wait till Uncle Bill and Uncle Rob, the engineers, get here to play with them.

For both the girls, I got Illustory.

For Amanda, I got Fashion Weaving Loom.

For Sarah, I got the Klutz Potholders.

For both the girls, I got the game Rush Hour.  Maybe this will help them learn to navigate the taxi cabs on the Strip.

In addition to the toys from Fatbrain, I got Amanda a sewing machine and I am still going to get Sarah an EasyBake oven.

What a relief to have it all done, wrapped, and under the tree.

I wonder if they will play with any of this for longer than 10 minutes????????????????