This Must Be The Payback

As if Amanda doesn't spend enough of her time staring at herself in the mirror, my sister gave her a day of beauty.



And turned her into Jon Benet Ramsey. Sarah is completely different. She doesn't care about how she looks. She doesn't stare at herself at all. She is a tomboy.



Can you imagine if Amanda had been my sister's child? She would have had her on that freak reality child beauty pageant show.

Then she gave my children her children's old Gameboys.



They immediately turned into zombies.



When I put them to bed last night, all I had to say was, "If I hear one word out of this room, you will not get to play your Gameboys tomorrow."

Then I swear to you, they went right to sleep.

Why didn't you guys ever tell me this before?

I have mixed feelings about the Gameboys. I don't want my young children addicted to video games. Yet, at the same time, having them be zombies occasionally would be totally awesome.

Ugh. I was so addicted to video games as a child, my bestfriend and I drilled a hole in a quarter, tied thread in it, and dropped it in and out of the Pacman machine at Pizza Hut so we could play for 5 hours straight. My mom would come down there and haul us out. We finally got busted with 120 credits on the machine and had to start using our paper route money.

That totally sucked.

My sister is setting my kids up for a life of crime to get me back for not letting her have hot water in the tub as children.

I just know it.

We went and saw The Princess And The Frog today. I really enjoyed it, even though the kids fought over the bag of popcorn until I hid behind my back and told them it was gone. Then I ate it. I think they enjoyed it too, but the boys said it was a girl movie.

My sister fell asleep and had her mouth open and missed the whole ending.

That made my entire day.

Have You Seen F U Mountain?

When we hit the road to go to Phoenix yesterday, we ran into horrific traffic at Hoover Dam. Since 9/11, you have to pass a security checkpoint to cross the dam and during holidays it can take a couple hours to get through. Greg said it took him 1.5 hours to get through with Gregory and it was miserable. When I saw it that backed up, I turned around and decided to cross the Colorado River in Laughlin.



I haven't been that way in about 8 years, so when I peered down at the dry lake bed, I was surprised to see what looked like water. Water? Huh?

This picture does not do justice to the amount of space this takes up, but this is a new 64 megawatt solar panel plant in ElDorado Valley, and let me be the first to say that this is an EYESORE. Not only is it an eyesore, but it completely blankets the desert floor, destroying the entire desert ecosystem. Nothing can coexist with that.

So I guess this clean energy is fantastic for our planet, unless you happen to be a plant or animal that actually lives wherever they plan to put all these 100 megawatt solar fields which require 500 to 1000 acres.

But I know, let's put them all in Nevada, because who cares about Nevada?

Let me be the first person on behalf of the coyotes and quails and lizards and tortoises to welcome the solar power industry to Nevada. Have you seen F U mountain?

Our next stop was Searchlight, Nevada. I doubt any of you have ever heard of Searchlight, Nevada. It is a true shitbox by any standard.

This is luxurious living in Searchlight. Did you know the majority leader of the Senate, Harry Reid, is from Searchlight? He grew up in Searchlight, the son of a hardrock miner. He attended school with one teacher for all eight grades. Searchlight didn't have a high school, so he had to board with families in Boulder City just to attend school. Now he is undeniably one of the most powerful men in congress and he came from nothing. Less than nothing.

I know some of you might hate his politics, but you've got to admire a man who could come from this hellhole and make something of himself.

Next stop was at my girlfriend Laurie's house to exchange gifts with her kiddos.

Sarah got this awesome yoga mat from Pottery Barn and immediately started meditating. Which cracked us up, because where did she learn to do that?

Amanda asked me if I knew Laurie before I had kids?

I've known Laurie for 20 years! It is so funny that kids think their parents did nothing before they were born.

Laurie and I have lived an entire lifetime before we had kids!!!! And we plan to live another lifetime once you guys are gone too. You betcha.

I Will Give You My Husband If You Ask

My sister called yesterday at 2pm and said her hot water heater was leaking and since we planned to drive there today, we weren't going to have any hot water.

Greg didn't plan on going this time since he was just there at Halloween.

My sister called a plumber and he wanted well over 600 dollars to replace her hot water heater, so a half an hour later, Greg and Gregory were driving to Phoenix. Greg can replace it for half that.

See? I am a GIVER. I will give you my husband if you ask.

I never have to worry about this sort of stuff. I never need a plumber or a mechanic. I was telling my friend Leslie that I have never, ever, have car issues. But I actually DO have car issues, I just don't have to deal with them. When we drove back from Phoenix last time, the brake pads fell off my van and I was grinding metal the rest of the way home. I needed new routers and the brakes were shot.

Two hours later, Greg had acquired new routers at wholesale from our friends who own an auto parts store and had replaced all the brakes on my van for $120. Do you even understand how much all new brakes would have cost at repair shop?

Then there has been the 200 times the kids have stopped the toilets up. I can't even imagine how much that would have cost to call out a plumber each time. Greg just hauls the toilet off and snakes it out, while cussing profusely.

"GOD DAMN IT. GOD DAMN IT. Who did it? WHO DID IT?"

So, anyway, I sure have it easy here.

Now I have to tell you, although I have taken one or two children all over the place, including Hawaii by myself, I have never let Greg take one of the children by himself. So when he said he was taking just Gregory with him yesterday, I freaked out. Greg is a horrible driver and the thought of him driving to Phoenix with my child was terrifying to me.

Plus, he won't pull over and he never gets you anything to eat.

Ask the kids about The Incident, where we were driving back from Michigan and he WOULDN'T PULL OVER. And Mommy went insane. We had driven all the way from Traverse City to Chicago and Greg would not PULL OVER.

The kids will pretend to be me now by yelling, "I want some STARBUCKS, I want some WATER, I have to PEE! I want some STARBUCKS. I AM DYING. PULL OVER!!!!"

I tell you want though, not having Gregory in the house changes the dynamics here. I totally think the reason we have a 80/20 split for happy noise versus unhappy noise is because I had Austin and Gregory has someone to play with. Without Gregory here tormenting his sisters, nobody fights AT ALL. If Gregory didn't have Austin, I would bet my happy/unhappy noise level would be more like 60/40 because he would spend that much more time making his sisters miserable.

So we are driving there today to get back Gregory, our troublemaker. I miss him.

And since I'll be driving, if I want some water or Starbuck's or if I have to pee, I will.

My Newest Scheme

We headed over to the Ethel M light show last night.



After two days of being cooped up in the house, playing with new toys, I was so ready to get out. In fact, I loaded the kids up and took them to the park before that and literally laid in the grass and let the sun just pour into my face.

I HATE BEING IN THE HOUSE. I hate being inside. When they were babies, I swear I had post partum depression because I couldn't go OUTSIDE. It kills my soul to be in the house.



I have to sit outside every day or I wilt. Do you understand that I could never live where it is cloudy?

We are heading to Phoenix tomorrow where it will be in the high 60s and I plan on sitting in a chair in the sun for the rest of the week.

In other news, I have decided to go back to college and get my teaching degree.

Greg was like, "You could make 10 times more money being an insurance agent again, why even bother?"

And it's true. I could go sell insurance again tomorrow and easily make twice the money a teacher does just in my first year of working. I've always been good at sales.

But I HATE it. I have no desire to ever do that again. Yuck.

I really don't need to make a lot of money again. I just need to have benefits and have the same days off the kids do.

So I'm going to give it a whirl. I might not have time, but that has never really stopped me before.

My Sister Was A Spoiled Brat

My sister is 2.5 years younger than me and my mother forced me to give her everything I owned so she wouldn't cry.

"Just give it to her!", my mother would hiss while she bellowed.

And I would. Because I didn't want to hear her cry either.

My sister was sooooooooooo spoiled. I'm telling you right now, kids, your Aunt Nancy got everything she wanted by screaming.

It all started on my sixth birthday.



I got the Easy Bake Oven and my grandmother and Aunt Ellie got us both little mixers.

You have never heard such screaming and crying. My Aunt Ellie had to get in the car and drive to the store and buy my sister an Easy Bake Oven.

SHE WAS THREE.

OMG. Doesn't Austin look just like her? I gave birth to my sister. What the heck?

From that point on, whatever I wanted, they bought one for my sister just in case she took to screaming.



I wanted a Baby Alive.



So my sister got a Baby Alive.



If I wanted a Pink Panther,



My sister got a Pink Panter.

Nevermind that I was 2.5 years older.



If I wanted roller skates, my sister got roller skates.



If I liked ceramic animals, my sister got ceramic animals.



We were just two peas in a pod.



I never even complained about it or was resentful of all the attention my high needs sibling demanded. I'm just generous like that.

We used to have a children's program on every morning before school called The Wallace And Ladmo Show in Phoenix.



I won a Ladmo bag in the studio audience and I was on television. I went with my Brownie troop. My sister was so mad that she didn't get a Ladmo bag, she snuck in my closet and STOLE ALL MY CANDY. I won it. ON TELEVISION. My Aunt Ellie couldn't go to the store and buy her one, so she just TOOK IT!!!

My years and years of relentless giving to my sister totally prepared me for having four children practically all the same age though. Who knew there was a reason for it?

So when Austin cried and cried and cried and cried and cried because Gregory wouldn't let him play with his pyramid, did I get in the car and drive to the store and buy Austin a pyramid? There aren't any pyramids in the store right now, but I'm sure I wouldn't have driven to the store anyway. No. No, I told Austin it was Gregory's pyramid and he didn't have to share it.

I've got your back, Gregory.

Oh, the screaming and crying.



Amanda got this awesome tracing light and Austin wanted it too.

Oh, the screaming and crying from my normally docile fun-loving baby. Did I get in the car and go and get him one? No. No, I did not.



Sarah took pity on him and let him make a necklace with her bead set. Such a loving and giving child. She takes after me for sure. She's a GIVER.

Rockin' Around Our Christmas Tree

The kids all got cameras for Christmas from Santa.

"Mommy! Mommy! Say cheese!", Austin yelled to me as I was taking a shower.

Oh, boy. I didn't see that one coming.

"Do NOT take naked pictures of ME, DADDY, or yourself. Do you understand me?"

We all had a great day. There was lots of laughter, lots of food, and lots of love. Hope you all had a great day too.

Merry Christmas Friends And Family

Ohmygosh, SANTA CAME LAST NIGHT!!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

The Sound Of Happiness

People ask me all the time how I can stand the noise of my children. Eighty percent of the time, the noise my children make is the noise of children playing. People who ask me this generally don't have children, or only have one, maybe two. When groups of children play together, they make noise.



I gave birth to a group, so that means we are noisy . Someone is always talking. They are laughing and squealing and chatting it up. There is always a conversation going on. Twenty percent of the time they are arguing or fighting, then the noise bothers me. But the other eighty percent of the time?



How lucky are you if you are born with a bestfriend? Someone to play with every day. Someone to laugh with and chase and squeal and engage in pretend play all day long. I consider our noise -- the noise of children playing -- the sound of happiness.

I Am Buried

I am buried in Christmas. There has been a lot of Christmas activities going on. A lot of entertaining four kids who are out of school.

Cookies have been made.


The kids did them all by themselves this year.


They are the most beautiful cookies I have ever seen.



There has been a lot of gluing going on.

In effort to keep the kids busy during the LONG, LONG, LONG hours they are at home, my friend Laura and I decided to meet at Mountain's Edge park and have a picnic. When I got in the car, my dashboard said it was 59 degrees. In the 20 minutes it took me to drive to the park, I watched the temperature plummet down to 43 degrees and the wind kicked up to gale force.

Not that that would stop a child.


We were not out of the car for 5 minutes when it started RAINING. Not that that would stop a child. Five minutes after that, one of Laura's boys slipped on the fake boulders and slid and smacked the entire side of his face going down. His whole side of his face turned immediately blue and purple. That should make for some lovely Christmas photos.

Then the rain started getting chunky. It wasn't snow but it wasn't rain. Sleet?

We all piled in the car and decided to drive towards Red Rock to see if it would be snowing. Five minutes later, it was sunny.

So in an odd turn of events, we went to Red Rock to see their new billion dollar visitor center, and the kids became Junior Rangers, where we had to hike and do activities in a workbook to complete the test.


Then they had to pledge to protect our federal lands and keep the Earth clean and teach their friends about the beauty of our protected lands. Which was totally fun for them and very educational.

But it was totally not on my list of things to do to get ready for Christmas.

Then Greg went to the Silver Bowl game last night, while I spent the evening huddled in a locked room, trying to disassemble wires and plastic and tape from all the toys that we are going to set out from Santa.

And OMG, that Playmobil Pyramid has 75,000 parts. Did I ever tell you guys about that pyramid Gregory wants? It completely sold out and people were selling it on Ebay and Amazon for $300, but my friend Erika found it in Oregon in a store and paid $93 for it and shipped it to me. But she totally did not assemble it for me. I am so glad she went to all that trouble to find it and ship it. If Gregory ever takes it apart, I am going to send him back in time to the Egyptians.

Okay, it's time to make the nut roll. Oh, yes. It is time to make the nut roll.

If You're Retired, Would Las Vegas Suck?

Last year, Greg spent several weeks in Texas after Hurricane Ike ravished his Uncle Bill's home in Nassau Bay. Uncle Bill lost all his belongings when the lake rose and flooded his home, leaving his house in ruins.





He lost his 1958 Chevy Corvette. He was the original owner.



Uncle Bill is Greg's mother's only sibling. He never married.

A few years ago, well into his 70s, he met a lady in her 80s and fell in love. Before the hurricane, they were buying a home together, so that she could live closer to him. They did everything together. They traveled. They dined. They went to concerts and plays.

She died this year. So in a little more than a year, Uncle Bill has lost his home, his car, all his belongings, and the love of his life.

He has lived in a studio apartment for the past year. Alone. He's diabetic and broke his hip a few years ago, so we are always eager to hear how things are going out there.

Uncle Bill drove out from Texas by himself and arrived in Las Vegas yesterday. I think he should just move here.

I have to re-think Why Las Vegas Doesn't Suck if you are retired, because I don't think Uncle Bill hangs out on play equipment at the park.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

Do Your Kids Play With Their Toys?

Do your kids actually play with their toys?

Mine don't.

I usually leave the Christmas shopping to Greg, but this year I tried to go out and buy stuff for them yesterday, and I just walked around the store in a daze.

They don't really play with their toys. There are toys in the closet that have almost never been played with.

We have every toy there is.

I could start a bonfire with all the wood toys I had to have. They don't play with them and never really did.

They have enough Thomas the Train stuff to build a track around the Strip. They don't play with it.

The girls have Barbies and Barbies and Barbies. They don't play with them.

They have Polly Pockets and My Little Ponies.

They have Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys and Legos.

They have Transformers and Matchbox cars and Rescue Heroes. They just sit in the closet.

The have the Kapla building slats and every board game you could imagine.

They have Leapfrog stuff. Never used it. It's just sitting in the closet.

Fortunately, most of the stuff they have was given to us and we never purchased.

So what do they do all day?

The boys do ride their bikes and scooters and skateboards and riding toys. They do use those every single day. They also play with dirt and sticks and rocks. Every day.

The girls just cut crap up and color and glue stuff all day. Amanda spent two hours yesterday designing fashion models and asking for my opinion.







The other day, the girls spent a whole morning making dolls out of wood shis-ka-bob skewers, cotton balls, tape, Kleenex, and cupcake holders. They even brought them to school and gave them to their friends. I had absolutely no input in the creation. I couldn't believe they found the cupcake holders.

They do play games online at PBSkids, Nick Jr, and Mickey Mouse's clubhouse.

They spend hours doing imaginative play with stuff like the pillows on the couch and blankets or rolls of paper towels out of the closet.

Do you think they don't play with their stuff because they have each other and we live in such a great climate that they would rather be outside?

So, today, I am cleaning out the closets and we are going to take some of this stuff to children who don't have any toys.

Then I'm going to fill a box up with dirt and shovels for the boys, and a box of old newspapers and magazines and glue for the girls and give them that for Christmas. I'm kidding. I'm going to buy more crap that nobody uses because I am American and I am a consumer. Ugh.

Christmas Triplet Shindig

We went to a big Christmas shindig last night at my friend and fellow triplet mom, Joselle's house and there was so much food and so many kids. Somebody brought these little mice made out of oreos, chocolate kisses, and chocolate covered cherries. How clever is that?

There were four sets of triplets there, in addition to oodles of other kids. Joselle has an awesome playroom, so the 18+ kids entertained themselves the entire time.

Good luck putting that back together, Joselle.

I spent some time talking to one couple when we arrived and the boyfriend said, "We just started dating a couple weeks ago. Now all you guys who have kids in threes, are you HER friends?", referring to his new girlfriend.

I laughed so hard.

I saw him later in the corner on his phone texting.

It probably said, "Dude. I have got to get out of here before I end up with triplets."

Andi and Jen's triplet girls. Two are identical and one is fraternal. I think they are lying.

Laura's boys and Austin's bestfriends. When the boys ran in, they squealed, "Hi Ms Michele!" and hugged my legs. What is better than spontaneous kid love?

Joselle's triplets. This was the best picture I could get!!!

My four triplets. Mom please don't make us eat real food when there is an entire counter of cake, and cookies, and candy.

Laura's husband came down the stairs as Santa and the kids all squealed with excitement.

Right here he is saying to his own children, "And what is your name little boy?"

"Is that YOU, DADDY?", one of his kids asked.

Sarah ran right over to me and said, "That's Mr. Don, Mom."

We laughed and laughed. I told Sarah the real Santa is up at the North Pole getting her toys ready.

And a lot of toys he will need indeed.

It was 60 degrees and sunny yesterday. Joselle is acting delusional and telling us she is moving back to Baltimore in March. She is the whole reason I wrote the Why Las Vegas Doesn't Suck series.

Why else Las Vegas Doesn't Suck, Joselle? You can have triplets here and be just one in the crowd. You are going to be a FREAK in Baltimore. You stay here and keep having these awesome parties!