Mom Jeans Are Making A Comeback

We drove down to Cannon Beach yesterday and saw the monolith, Haystack Rock. I didn't know until I just now Wikipedied it, but it's the third tallest structure in the world. I wonder if that's true, or if people like me write Wikipedia.



Either way, it's an impressive sight. I love the Oregon coast. It's breathtaking.

This is our MySpace/Facebook/Spring Break-look-at-us-we're-on-Spring-Break-and-you're-not-and-we're-having-SO-much-fun-self-portrait.

Then we drove a little further up the coast to Gearhart and drove our car on the beach.

Then we had lunch. Mmmmmmmmm. Yummy.

Halfway through our day out, Jodie realized that she was actually wearing her 18 year old daughter's jeans. She had packed them on accident and Jodie was in extreme pain. They were so tight, but worse yet, they had a high waist line and tight legs.

Jodie was wearing Mom Jeans.

None of us could figure out why Katie, an eighteen year old, would be wearing the dreaded high waisted jeans until she called and we interrogated her and discovered it's true. The high waist line is making a comeback.

GASP!

If you've given birth to a small classroom, the high waistline is your enemy. OMG! Another thought just occurred. Do you think the high waist line AND the tucked shirt will comeback?

GASP!

Poor Jodie looked liked someone tried to saw her body in half, the welts were so horrific. I say we start a petition right now to stop this.

Just say no to Mom Jeans. Sign up right here.

Now I'm heading home today. The kids told me, "Daddy says we don't need a shower."

"Tell Daddy to give you a shower right now."

"Daaaadddddyyyyy, Mommy said we need a shower."

"Daddy said whatever."

I'm getting Greg some new high waisted jeans.

The Columbia River Gorge

When I woke up yesterday it was snowing.

Jodie and I are staying at Erika's mom's house. It is so awesome. It has five bedrooms and the backyard is HUGE and backs up to this open space. I could totally live in this house with my brood. Right across the street is a park and rec center. It's a totally awesome neighborhood. I would literally move here tomorrow.

Now where's the sun?

Then we got up and headed out to the Columbia River Gorge to look at waterfalls.



We took the scenic route.



We stopped at bunch of different waterfalls along the way. I can't tell you how beautiful it is.




Multnomah Falls is the second tallest year round waterfall, the sign said. I wonder what the tallest is?



Look I've turned into a Northwest photographer.

We are just having a blast, talking, talking, talking, talking. We've been staying up insanely late and talking. We've been eating out. We had sushi for lunch and then went out to Forest Grove and ate at the Grand Lodge for dinner.

Today we are heading out to the coast. So I have to go, because I will likely have to go and force Jodie to wake up. These people are not early birds like me. They are alarm clock people. Did you know I don't own an alarm clock? I just wake up every morning. I told myself last night to wake up at 6:30 and I woke up at 6:40am today. Who else does that?

Also, came back to add that Shannon over at Babble.com wrote about me and my thoughts on IVF and Nadya Suleman. You should go check out Shannon after you tell me if you are a human alarm clock. I need to know if I'm weird.

The Land Of My People

Auntie Jodie of Disneyland fame flew in yesterday to hang out with me and Erika. It was very exciting that she made it because Jodie's been going through heavy duty medical stuff and I wasn't sure she was going to be up to flying.

As I recounted our day to Greg, I told him how we started our day off at a coffee shop.



Where I gave up all pretense of trying to stay gluten free on my vacation. I even lied about it to my sister when she asked me if I was having trouble staying gluten-free. No. I'm doing GREAT.

We were lounging on the couch eating and sipping coffee, when all the mothers sitting on the couch across from us whipped out their boobs. It was almost like we were in Vegas, except the boobs all had babies attached to the end of them, instead of shiny glittery pasties.

Erika shrugged, "It's Portland."

Then we went and toured Bob's Red Mill, where I get all my organic flour from. I debated on whether or not I should buy a 25 pound bag of tapioca flour and if I could get it home.



Then we went across the street to Dave's Killer Bread.



We checked out the bread-quarters. Dave makes all natural bread, without drugs. That's his motto. Dave used to be on drugs, actually, but he gave it up in the pursuit of all natural bread.


Then we spent a long time perusing the aisles of Powell's bookstore, which is in downtown Portland and the size of a city block.

Now I have to confess to reading the book, Twilight, on vacation and I'm three quarters of the way through it and all I've got to say is there better be some sex by the end of this book. If I wasted all my time reading this book about some stupid vampire, there better be some sex.

But in case the sex isn't until book two, I thought I should get the next book. I was too embarrassed to go in the Young Adult section of Powell's and ask where it was at, but Jodie sauntered right up and asked.

Then she added, "It's for our daughter."

"OUR daughter?", I was hysterical.

She shrugged, "It's Portland."

After telling Greg about our day, he said, "So you went to a coffee shop, a flour mill, a bread store, and a used bookstore? WOW! You guys really know how to party! I'm really sorry I missed it. What are you going to do tomorrow? Go to a gas station?"

No. Tomorrow I am in search of kombucha. Thanks to one of my readers, we are going to go looking for the bacteria-laden fermented tea that is all the rage here right now.

Doesn't that sound FUN??

This is the land of my people.

Peace And Quiet

For the first time since I started taking my annual or semiannual vacations alone, I really didn't feel the pressing need to leave and get a break as I did when the kids were younger. When I went to Florida for the first time, I really didn't even miss the kids until I was ready to come home.

I can remember sailing with Melanie's husband on their beautiful sailboat, and he asked, "Do you miss the kids?"

The wind was blowing through my hair as we glided along the water, beer in hand.

"What kids?"

But this time, I really do miss them. They are just really fun to be around at this age.

I'm sure I can get over it today.




Fortunately, I have my friend Erika's kids to keep me company. She has such great kids. They are so quiet too. Being away from home highlights how incredibly loud our family is. There's a reason Grammy has to take her hearing aides out before she comes over.



Jackson is only two and he's the easiest kid. Erika is fun to be around too. We are going to go exploring today. I can't wait.

I wonder how Greg is doing? Ten bucks says they don't go to school this week!

Michele Hears A Who!

I'm not one to gloat (ahem), but I got word from my school board trustee yesterday, and she is restructuring the zoning of my school and giving me WHAT I WANTED.

I WON! THE LITTLE GUY WON! ONE PERSON REALLY DOES COUNT IN A DEMOCRACY!

Oh yeah, baby.

And do you know what this means? This means my kids are still going to go to school with a wonderfully diverse student body that consists of people of all different races, and our demographics will almost mirror exactly the city of Las Vegas, which is:

Hispanic 39.9 %
Black 13.9 %
White 36.1 %
Asian 9.3 %

We won't have any one ethnicity or socioeconomic station disproportionately represented in contrast with our city or our neighborhood. It's going to be a perfect mix. And if you are wondering, it will still include the Black kids nobody wanted.

But more importantly, we aren't getting 200 more students than our facility can actually HOLD. I got the uncountable counted for.

I am so happy, I can barely stand it!

And you know what else this means?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This means I don't have to move into a restaurant or a prison or, sadly, a mansion.

We don't have to move at all!

One person counts. One person can make a difference. Can you imagine what I can accomplish once the kids actually GO TO SCHOOL?

Now that I've taken over the school district, I'm flying off to Portland today for a little rest and relaxation and leaving the kids with their father, where they will almost for certain be eating some of the worst food known to man, and watching extraordinary amounts of television day and night.

But I'm giving up the fight for a few days.

But before I go, here's a little victory song from me to YOU.



And here's to the kids that nobody counted.

"We are here. We are here. WE ARE HERE!!!!!!"

I HEARD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would You Live In A Restaurant?

We spent all day yesterday driving around looking for houses again. The kids were THRILLED.

We found a 4200 square foot, 6 bedroom, with a basement (in Las Vegas, we don't have basements here!), for $299,000. It was a year old.

Before they left, the owners took all the doors off the kitchen cabinets, tore off all the baseboards, took the kitchen sink, all the toilets, all the doors, including the front door, took all the light fixtures, and then punched holes in all the walls and wrote in big black ink on the hallway, "All my money was stolen with an ARM."



In a last ditch effort, the owner tried to take the fireplace. He seemed like a really smart guy to try and rip out the fireplace.

We tried to like this house. We did. But we don't. We hate it. When you shove big giant houses like that one on 6000 square foot lots, when you drive around the neighborhood, you might as well be living in an apartment complex. Look at the view out the window. What do you see? Your WALL. It's like living in prison.

I actually became ill towards the end of our house shopping. I. can't. live. in. a. track. home. I don't care how big it is. I don't care. I have to have a yard. My GARDEN is bigger than the backyards we looked at yesterday. I'll take my tiny old house any day.

So we decided to stop looking at houses for awhile. We are burned out. We headed over to Grammy's where she began talking about where she was staying in Traverse City, Michigan for the summer. Then we were suddenly trying to find a rental for the summer too.

Forget school and houses. It's time for summer vacation nearly!

But then we started looking at houses there. Then we thought maybe we should live there. We always think we should live there in the summer.

Then we found this house.



It's a 4 bedroom, 3 bath, 4800 square feet on the bay and it used to be the Windows restaurant for $274,000. Greg was stoked!



"Noway! That's IT! You can sell coffee and ice cream and cherry jelly and crawlers, and I'll rent jet skis and charter boats. Do you think it comes with the big mixer in the kitchen? Can you imagine how many brownies we can make? We'll heat up the deep fryers and make french fries for lunch. The kids can ride their bikes in their own parking lot. Everyone will know us. Oh, yeah, the old Window's place. Yeah. You got triplets? We heard about you.", he exclaimed.

Did I ever tell you we almost bought a house in the Upper Peninsula that was also a car wash and a laundromat? We were there in August, 7 years ago. It started snowing the week after we left and as far as I know, it's never stopped.

"Do you think it comes with the tables? Aren't you part Indian? We'll make it into a casino. Are you in for 140,000?!"

So there you have it. When given the choice, we'd rather live in an old restaurant, than a brand new home in a brand new subdivision. Is buying a home a personality test?

I Could Have Been The Octomom

Here's an interesting statistic.

Less than 20 percent of fertility clinics follow guidelines for the number of embryos transferred, according to this article.

"Fertility doctors say there are many reasons clinics skirt the guidelines: pressure from patients who want to use more embryos to improve their chances of getting pregnant; financial concerns from those who are paying for their treatment out of their own pockets; and the competition among clinics to post good success rates."

No kidding. These guidelines have been in place since 1996?

Uhm, hello? My doctor put in FIVE for me in 2003. I was 34.

Granted the embryo quality was really, really poor on two of them and we had already done it twice before with much better embryos and it failed. They only took pictures of the three "good" ones. I'm going to make the kids figure out which one was them someday.

Here's pretty much how it played out in the room.

My doctor walked in while I'm laying on the table after holding my pee for 3 solid hours, because they were running behind schedule, and told me, "Mrs. S, the embryos aren't that great this time. We've got one seven cell, one six cell, one five cell, and two four cells. You might have one viable embryo. What do you want to do?"

(At the time, they wanted you to have an eight cell to be good. I have no idea how they do it now.)

Greg looked at me and said, "We're already in to this thing 40 grand and it isn't going to work, and we aren't freezing any again. I'm not shelling out another 5000 bucks to do IVIG on frozen crappy 4 cell embryos."

Then he looked at the doctor and said, "Put them all in. If two are really bad and not going to make it, then we aren't freezing them, so let it play out."

At no point when I was laying on the table with my bladder ready to explode did the doctor say to me, "Guidelines were issued in 1996 by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, with the intent to cut down the number of multiple births, particularly triplets and higher, that can result when many embryos are implanted and more than one takes. Big multiple births can lead to disastrous, life-threatening complications, lifelong disabilities such as cerebral palsy, and crushing medical costs."

No. He said, "Okay. That sounds great. Sorry about the wait. You'll be able to use the bed pan in just a few minutes, Mrs. S."

So Greg decided how many embryos we put in. Greg. He's an expert on reproduction. Just ask him.

Now I'm really happy with the way things turned out, and I wouldn't wish for a second that I didn't have all my kids, but I'm just highlighting how 5.5 years ago, my clinic was not following the standards or guidelines of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine.

And I'm pretty sure if you are reading this and you have triplets, then your doctor probably wasn't either.

So how many embryos did you put in? DO TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who else almost ended up being the Octomom?

Yummy! Rice Waffles. NOT!

I've found it amazingly easy to cut out gluten, because I shop at the sort of stores that offer a plethora of gluten-free products.

Except that I won't buy them, because they are too expensive, so I spend most of the day starving to death. In fact, I'm starving right now.

But the thought of eating another rice waffle or corn granola makes me want to throw up. So I'll probably go scramble 6 eggs and make a pound of bacon! Here's what I've learned. Brown rice bread is the grossest thing ever invented on the planet. Tapioca bread is pretty good, but it costs $4.99 a pound. OUCH!

Brown rice pasta is excellent. You can't tell at all. Quinoa pasta is the grossest thing ever invented. BLECH!

So that's where I'm at on that.

Austin is eating several bites of vegetable every night now. He even ate three bites of asparagus and 2 pieces of lettuce last night. So far this week, he's eaten steamed carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and green beans. He's not gagging anymore either. We make such a production over it, you'd think he made a touchdown. I am really pleased with his progress!

I changed the rotation of a lot of our books a couple days ago and brought out a bunch of Dr. Seuss books that we had put away.

Imagine my shock when Sarah picked up Red Fish, Blue Fish, One Fish, Two fish, a book she's never seen before, and started reading it. She started READING IT!

Now's she's going to read it for you.



She was so proud of herself and she kept saying, "Mommy, I can read BIG books now."

She even took it to school and read it out loud during circle time.

Amanda had her own breakthrough with reading, but that deserves a whole post devoted to her, so stay tuned.......

I've got to go eat a rice waffle before I faint.

We Don't Want Our Kids With The BLACK Kids

I found out over the past 2 days, that the contentious and heated battle over the rezoning of our school and the severe opposition from the parents West of us, all stemmed over the fact we bus in Black kids from West Las Vegas to our school.

We've been busing them to our school for 25 years. I should point out that we have 60 Black kids in our whole school. That's like 2 kids in each class.

When the magnet schools were started in the inner city, the kids zoned for those schools had to be divided up and dispersed out. Since our school has always been underutilized, we took the section zoned for one of those magnet schools and the parents could choose to send their kids to a different school in the area or bus them out to our area. The parents have been choosing for 25 years to bus their kids out. If you are familiar with Las Vegas, we are taking the kids from the Martin Luther King and Bonanza area.

To be quite frank, that's a bad, bad, bad, bad area. And if I lived there, I'd bus my kid out too.

But the parents in that really bad area have embraced the idea of getting their kids out over the last 25 years, and their kids are doing well in school. Our school is currently high achieving and the only high achieving school in our area.

But the parents from the school West of us stood up and said they didn't want their kids going to school with THOSE kids, those Black kids, and they showed up in such a force that they won. Not only did they win, they managed to really, really disgust our principal, who is Black. That's why he didn't go to any more meetings and also explains his disgust over those parents and the whole rezoning process. I didn't really get it when I talked to him on the phone.

But here's where the real irony plays out. The school West of us, the one whose parents were so vocal about their kids not going to school with the Black kids, actually has 73 Black kids in it right now.

So they actually STAYED in the school with MORE Black children. How's that for bad research and racism?

I will be kicking myself for the next 10 years for missing that meeting. I cannot believe I missed that meeting. I will NEVER EVER miss another meeting. Except for next Tuesday, when I go to Portland. But after that I will never miss a meeting again.

So anyway, nobody counted the West Las Vegas kids in our current numbers. Nobody counted that kids East of us, whose school is failing so badly, they now have the choice of going to our school. Nobody counted all the special ed or early childhood development programs at our school.

So they kind of missed about 150 kids.

OOPS!

But I didn't miss them. I found them. And I've brought them all to the attention of my trustee and she's going to look into the expansion of our zone.

So maybe, just maybe, when they vote to rezone our school on Tuesday, WHEN I'M IN PORTLAND, our school might get a more favorable zoning passed that doesn't cause our school to grow larger than our facility can handle.

The rezoning here is all political. Hardly anyone shows up to anything, so the people who do, get whatever they want.

That doesn't seem that hard then! I think I've got the system figured out now.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

Can you hear my wheels turning?

Will Amanda Find God's Air Pump?

The kids got balloons from Grammy for Valentine's Day. Amanda has a lot of anxiety when she gets a balloon. She wants to set her balloon free before it runs out of helium and stops floating, so she lets her balloons go. This generally causes the other kids to have breakdowns, because nobody else shares her philosophy.

Yesterday when she let her balloon go, Gregory made a mad dash to catch it, falling down and landing in the sand just as it slipped out of his hand. Everyone was crying, except Amanda. She stood and waved as it floated away.

When I asked her why she always lets her balloon go, she told me, "I think God has an air pump."

The kids got their second Progress Report since starting school yesterday. Sarah and Gregory had "perfect" reports. Amanda, not so much.



She is still skipping the number 13. She is not sitting still in circle time. She's not following directions. She is not staying on task and she's not "neat".
And printing her name?



This is how she printed it on her Progress Report. I can already see the wedding invitations.

Mr. and Mrs. S would like to invite you to the wedding of Amahbaamandaamanda and QQhicl Blahblahblah.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

I have the same problems keeping her on task and sitting still at home. So I envision sitting in her class for the next 12 years and giving her the Evil Eye. That's what I do at home. It's a near constant challenge.

Having read all of Greg's and Mark's report cards, I'm certain she gets this from him and his brother. I asked Greg if he thought he had ADHD as a child.

He replied, "I think I have it NOW."

Sarah and Gregory take after me. They are exemplary students. They want to do well. Amanda can do it, she just doesn't care. How do you motivate a child who just doesn't get the same reward out of learning that you do?

I loved learning.

Greg's report cards said this:

"Greg is much larger than the other children. We must watch him so he doesn't hurt the others."

"Greg runs through the halls and hits other children."

"Greg begins laughing for no reason during class and disrupts others."

Here is an example of the kind of notes I got in school.

I've enjoyed having Michele as a student. She feels the need to do her best without me asking. She is a good citizen, a fine student and has a well rounded personality. I see lots of success for her in years to come.

Miss Frank

I don't think people really change that much from birth. I think they are born pretty much exactly how they are going to be. When I read Greg's report cards, he really hasn't changed at all. He still doesn't care to do anything by the book or in a normal fashion. He still doesn't care what people think. He was still running through our office and hitting people ten years ago. It worked out for him.

But I would say if you are contemplating marrying someone, ask them for their report cards.

Will it work out for Amanda? Will she find her unconventional way through life and be successful?

Will she be set free and float away, or will she be held on to until she's flat and lifeless, like a balloon that's run out of air?

Embracing My Community

We decided yesterday to buy rental houses by Nellis Air Force Base. My head is spinning. We figured if we are going to own rentals, we should be renting to military. If renting to military is a bad idea, please feel free to tell me why before Greg buys something.

So we held the kids prisoner in the car for another day. If you could see the inside of our van right now, you might call CPS. I thought it was bad last week, but today it's almost indescribable. The kids have been such troopers during all of this real estate shopping, as long as we feed them. Which is why you don't want to see the inside of our van.

We did take pity on them and let them out of the car to climb Sunrise Mountain yesterday though.



I also heard back from my school board trustee. She told me I needed to "embrace my community".



If anyone loves this dusty, polluted, hellhole more than me, then you can speak up right now.



EMBRACE MY COMMUNITY! HA! I'm the only person I know EMBRACING my community. I love Sin City! I don't really want to move! I just want my kids to go to school where they won't learn to smoke crack! That's all I'm asking for!

So I questioned her numbers and she couldn't answer my questions. Now this is tricky math, but see if you can follow it. We have 472 students in our school right now. We are going to lose 87 kids from the West of us (read: good area). This will leave 385 students that are currently zoned for our school. According to her, we are going to bring in 377 new students from the schools South and East (read: bad area).

So call me crazy but that would equal 762 students. Our school can only take 637 without going year-round. According to her, we will only have 537 students total with the new students.

HUH??!!! Even SHE can't explain it. That's because she's SMOKING CRACK!

So she's checking on it for me.

But just in case, I'm going to embrace my community and be at her board meeting on Wednesday morning at 9:30am. I think it's the least I can do to show my love for this town.

Are you feeling my love?

I Was Looking In Your Backyard Yesterday

We decided to move to Phoenix yesterday and buy a house in my bestfriend Laurie's subdivision.

When we discovered we might be able to afford a home there now, and I could live down the street in the same 4600 square foot, 5 bedroom house as her, I actually became dizzy with the possibilities.

We'd be like the Desperate Housewives. Our kids would go to school together. We'd run the PTA and talk about all the other mothers.

We'd poke each other and say, "Your house is so big!"

"No. No. YOUR house is so big, silly!", I'd laugh with my new big white teeth that I have in this fantasy.

But first, we'd drop the kids off at school and have coffee in the morning. Then we'd workout together every single day. We'd trade organic recipes and have barbecues on the weekends, while sitting around drinking wine and watching the kids play.

Our kids would grow up together. We'd buy another RV like they have and we'd go camping at the Grand Canyon every spring. Laurie told me she'd quit work immediately if I would just "come home".

We'd even trade black shirts and hang out at all the parks together.

Do you even understand that I'd have twice as many black shirts? It sounded so good, I was ready to move today.

Then Greg crushed my dreams by telling me I'm delusional if I think I'm not working when these kids go to school, and I should just get it out of my head right now and stop fantasizing about living with Laurie and having new big white teeth.

Shucks. A girl can dream.

But in an effort to find out what our home is worth so I can sell it and live with Laurie, I tracked it on zillow.com, where I discovered that I can see my whole house on a satellite image.

I don't think for one second that our house is worth this much, considering that mansion we were looking at was less. But while I was looking at our house, I took a virtual walk around my neighborhood and looked in all my neighbor's backyards. Out in the Southwest we all live behind 6 foot walls, so you are never sure what your neighbor's backyard looks like.

Here's the Crazy Lady With The Falling Down Roof's backyard. She's got a dark green pool back there! OMG! What a health hazard! I might turn her in today. And why is her disgusting dump of a house worth a hundred thousand more than MINE?

We have this other house on our street that we call Dirt Man's house. His front yard is just dirt. I've alway thought he was weird, like someone you might chat with at a gun show. Weird like Branch Davidian Waco Weird.

Now what in the heck is that stuff in his backyard? Are those bunkers for the love of God? What do you think he's doing back there? Is it a junkyard or is he building bombs?

Chances are if you received a Christmas card from me, I looked in your backyard yesterday.

Now if I could just look in your closets and see if you have any black shirts, I might be your new neighbor.

Is Valentine's Over Yet?

Most of us had a great Valentine's Day week. Greg lamented on the way home from his mother's last night that all these holidays last for weeks and weeks, and he only remembers getting a card and some candy hearts.

Our kids had three solid days of excessive school parties, followed by waking up yesterday morning to a new doll tea table, some army guy stuff, and four new stuffed animals. I haven't bought them stuffed animals in a year, and they love their stuffed animals more than anything.

We walked around the neighborhood and spent the morning at the park. The stuffed animals came too because Sarah said they were brand new and had never seen the world yet. They slid down slides and went for rides in the baby swings. They picked flowers. They were catapulted into trees and hit with sticks.

Someone let their dog poop right by one of the slides, so I warned all the kids to watch for the poop several thousand times. Sure enough Gregory was climbing on the outside of the slide, fell, and landed in the dog poop with his new green frog.

Then we went to Grammy's and had a delectable tri-tip roast for dinner. Then there were more gifts. The girls made clothes pin dolls and the boys learned to juggle. Everyone ate a tremendous amount of chocolate.

Greg laid on the floor in severe pain. His back is out. He thinks he ruptured a disc. He is in severe pain. He's going to try to get into his orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Thomas, next week. He says he can feel his disc out of place. So he is hurting horribly and he won't take anything for pain.

In between all of that, I decided we need to move to Prescott, Arizona and send our kids to this school. I found the perfect 3400 square foot, 4 bedroom foreclosure on a 1/2 acre, backing up to National Forest for 180,000 dollars. The kids would have a National Forest for their backyard. They would go to school were 99 percent of the children in third grade can write, 92 percent can read, and 95 percent can do math, according to their test scores. OMG! Isn't that unheard of?

I called the real estate agent and it was GONE. Of course.

So we'll just stay here and go to the stupid school where only 62 percent of the kids can read. My own children are at that percentage rate at home anyway, so we should fit in well.

Now I must go make clothes pin dolls and look forward to the next holiday, St. Patrick's Day. I wonder how many days that will last? We are going to be in the parade again, so it might be a long one!

Happy Valentine's Day

I'm Sure He'll Catch Up With MY Kids: Makeup Winners

The three days of forced Valentine's Day card signing was all worth it when I had the pleasure of looking at all the cards the kids came home with.



If I could reach out to the mom of this child, I would pat her on the arm and say, "Don't worry. Little QQhicl will get it. All kids learn at a different rate. What's important is that you accept QQhicl for who he is and love him unconditionally."

I should be a bigger person than taking pleasure in this child's inability to write his name. But I'm not. I'm small.

Amanda actually has a crush on QQhicl. How scary is that?

Even though she's learned all the books she "reads" off by heart, she won't read them in class. She says she's "a little bit shy". She hid her book in the bathroom during circle time and QQhicl brought it out to her because he loves her.

How do I know this? Because I have narcs. I may never split them up just for the narc value alone.

Okay, here are our makeup contest finalists!

1. Laura- she tried to learn to ride a motorcycle to gain the affections of a much older boy. She failed miserably. That's funny, because I learned to ride a motorcycle to gain the affections of my bestfriend back from Vincent.Hall. And it worked!!!!

2. Nicole- Stood in poison ivy to spy on her guy. That was very funny!

3. Safire- Cleaned horses for months and months just to go riding with the boy of her affections. That's worse than delivering papers!!!

4. Kath- Briefly dated her man, then spent the next 25 years looking for the right guy. I'm so glad you found him!

5. Tara- Talked to a boy on the phone for years, without telling him her name. She found him on Facebook and he IGNORED HER! That is just hilarious.

AND THE WINNER IS????

I can't tell you. Google is not uploading my video, so I may have to go to YouTube! UHG.

Check back in a hour!

Sorry. I got side-tracked making a robot. Then someone knocked it down and then there has been a hysteria. People are in various parts of the house in time-out. How many days until I go to Portland?

Okay. The WINNER IS!!!



Congratulations Safire! Just drop me an email with your color choices and address at fourtimesthefun@gmail.com.

Now I've got to go interrogate the narcs to see who started this ruckus. It's shaping up to be a super-duper fun day. I can tell already!

News From Inside The Valentine's Day Card Sweat Shop

The never-ending signing of the Valentine's Day cards continued yesterday. My kitchen has turned into a forced child labor workshop.

"You're not done. Sit down. Sign. Sign. Sign."

Next year I'm starting in December. I was supposed to have the makeup winners today and I put the kids to bed and totally forgot about putting the names in a bowl. I suck. I'm sorry! We'll have it tomorrow. I PROMISE!

I haven't blogged before about how Austin won't eat vegetables and how the only thing green that has passed his lips in the last 2.5 years is guacamole, but I've certainly blogged a lot about how I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever force my child to eat something.

For 2.5 years, I've been putting the vegetables on Austin's plate and for 2.5 years he has not eaten them. For 2.5 years, I haven't made a big deal about it. After all, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever force my child to eat something they don't want and I've probably told you that you shouldn't either.

He eats lots of tomatoes in salsa. He eats vegetables in soups and casseroles if they are hidden well enough. But he will not eat a vegetable by itself to save his life.

So I know it's a texture thing. He will eat 3 bowls of tomato soup, but if you tried to make him eat a tomato, he will gag and almost throw up.

Time is up for Austin. It's time to learn to get used to the texture. He won't even TRY it. He now must TRY one tiny piece of vegetable and one tiny piece of salad every night at dinner.

"I can't eat it, Mommy. You mean at me. I choking. It yucky!"

"You making me cry. You mean at me."



"I choking. I can't do it."

Then I lied and told him the salad was from our garden and he said, "No it not. You MADE it!"



Success! He took a big bite of fish and then nibbled the end of the green bean.

Two nights ago, the showdown over the vegetable went on for 20 minutes. You've never seen such tears and excuses.

Last night it was about 3 minutes and he didn't even gag.

So either he's going to learn to eat vegetables or he's going to be in therapy.

I'm not sure which way this is going to go.

Doing My Part To Stimulate The Economy!

Gregory started climbing the school building this week.



Then he taught Amanda how. So you can hear me on any given day at school, saying, "Get off the building. Get OFF the building!"

Valentine's Day is bearing down on me. The kids had to sign 144 Valentine's cards! That's because the older kids are having parties in their preschool class AND their Kindergarten Prep class. Then Austin's having a party. So that's three fun-filled days in a row of all the red dye and sugar you can get.

Because of the red dye issue, I volunteered to make cookies for Thursday and Friday. I've been out shopping and buying stuff for Valentine's Day every day it seems like, and I can say that I'm really not seeing a slow down in the economy.

I also made a gift bag with some useless trinkets for Austin's very first Valentine's party, which caused Greg's mom to shake her head and say, "Back in MY day, we just handed out a little card with our name on it. Your generation..blah, blah, blah."

But look what LAURA did, Barbara!



She took her boys pictures and had them printed into Valentine's cards at Costco. Is that not the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life? Could Laura raise the bar ANY HIGHER?
We all know this parenting thing is a competition and Laura just WON! Hee hee hee.

So, anyway, I know the recession is happening, because I watch the news and read the paper, but I'm not seeing it at the stores or at the Valentine's Day parties!

Plus, Greg and I cannot for the life of us win a bid on ANY of the foreclosures we've tried to buy. We're paying cash too! We LITERALLY cannot buy a house with CASH! I know there is a way to win this game, but I don't have time to figure out the rules, because I'm too busy rolling out sugar cookies and making kids sign their names 50 times each.

But as far as I can tell, the listing agent is in on the game. So he tells his investors right at the end to bid higher, then they get house. Then the agent gets the full commission. So somehow, we've got to get in with the right real estate agent, because our guy was homeschooled and too nice and doesn't have the instinct of eat or be eaten. (Since I'm still considering homeschooling, I've been thinking how not having competition in your life must mold a person's personality and eventual outcome. I wonder if anyone has ever studied this? I was always competing in school to get the best grades or be smarter than my friends and eventually make the best Valentine's Day cards. I think we can all agree that public school molded me into a freakish competitor!)

So we need a SHARK real estate agent!

The prices of foreclosures are going up too! FAST! We looked at a house yesterday at 12:15pm and by the time we got home, got the kids down for a nap, and Greg talked to the real estate agent, they'd changed the listing and upped the price by 10,000 dollars.

So although I watched Obama speak a couple nights ago, and I am hearing his message, I'm not seeing the doom and gloom here in the foreclosure market!

And speaking of Obama, you know I love him and voted for him, but the way he pauses when he speaks is starting to freak me out a little. Did anyone watch his press conference the other night? It's almost like he's waiting for the person in his ear to tell him what to say. Is there an ear piece in there?

OMG! Do you think he's the Wizard of Oz?

His message was loud and clear to me though, and I'm going to continue to try and stimulate the economy by flying off to Portland, Oregon in 2 weeks, for 5 days of rest and relaxation with my friends, Jodie and Erika. (They are actually my friend Leslie's friends, but I sort of stole them from her because I'm little bit competitive. Oops.)

Of course you'll all get to come along. It's going to be so much fun!!!!

We'll have our makeup winners on Thursday!

Okay, it's time to frost the sugar cookies. I'm going to dye the frosting with that nasty pomegranate syrup I made a few months ago! It should turn it pink! I hope. I bet they won't be as good as Laura's red velvet cupcakes!

I Did It For Love: Makeup Giveaway!

I've been neglecting the promotion of my makeup recently and wanted to start off by thanking everyone who is buying it anyway! You rock!

But it's totally time for a new contest.

Do you remember your first crush? Your first kiss? What was the dumbest thing you did in grade school or high school to get the attention of the one you "loved"?

I loved Vincent(cough.cough)Hall all through grade school. I'll never forget him. I had the biggest crush on him in third grade. He's the totally hot blonde kid in the top row, third from the left, with the big front bang. I'm right below him in the second row, second from the left.



We had Miss Brown together. It's truly a wonder love could blossom in Miss Brown's class, because she was mean as a snake and incredibly sadistic. She divided the kids in class by aptitude and behavior, and then she'd make the dumb, bad kids sit over by the wall, which she referred to as the peanut gallery.

See the little boy sitting behind the sign with the big smile? His name was Lonnie(cough.cough)Powers. Lonnie had a problem with picking his nose and wiping it under his desk. Miss Brown showed no mercy on him.

"ARE YOU PICKING YOUR NOSE AGAIN LONNIE.POWERS?", she'd scream in a high pitched hysteria. "I'M CALLING YOUR MOTHER."

Then she'd make a big production of making him clean it up. He soon carried a cloth handkerchief in his pocket at all times. Soon after, his desk ended up over in the peanut gallery, where I'd often look carefully over my shoulder to see if he was doing "the deed" with his fingers in his nose. When I was looking for the class picture, I found my eighth grade commencent program, and I noticed that Lonnie graduated from National Honor Society with me, and gave the benediction. Wow. I only remember him picking his nose!

(I just showed Greg the graduation program where I gave the Welcome Address and the Presentation of Student Council Scholarships, since I was the class president, and he thinks it's FAKE! He thinks I printed it off the internet.)

I was also teacher's pet in third grade. Miss Brown loved me. I was so afraid I'd end up in the peanut gallery that I'd stay in at recess and learn long division to make her happy.

Now that I'm suddenly remembering all these people's names, I wonder if I should join Facebook and see how many kids in the peanut gallery ended up in therapy?

In between all the screaming and belittling, I had the biggest crush ever on Vincent.Hall. When I wasn't inside at recess trying to win over Miss Brown, I was following Vincent.Hall around on the playground.

My crush for him grew over the years and before I knew it, we were in junior high.

Vincent.Hall had a paper route. I knew that a sure-fired way to get his attention and have him ask me to "go with him" was to get a paper route too. Did anyone else play that game?

"Will you go with me?"

The funny thing is, we never actually WENT anywhere.

I got a paper route and I got up every single morning at 5am to deliver the paper just so I could see him. Can you imagine? I got up every day at 5AM just too see a stupid boy! (And to make money, because I was all about making money. I even mowed lawns.)

Several months into it, Vincent.Hall rode his bike home with me after we delivered the papers. We parked our bikes on the front porch together and just as the sun was rising over the horizon, he leaned over and pecked me on the lips.

Then the angels sang! And a beam of sunlight came pouring down from the heavens and shined directly on my front porch!!!

HE LOVED ME! HE REALLY LOVED ME!

The very next day, he dumped me for my bestfriend.

Swear to God, he did. That BASTARD!

Here they are together.

I was crushed!!!!!!!! If I remember correctly, I soon quit my newspaper delivery job. Getting up at 5am to deliver papers lost it's appeal.

I wonder if I can get Greg to wear some of those most excellent knee-high socks though. Because those are HOT!

So what's the funniest thing you ever did to win the affection of the opposite/same sex?

Leave a comment and you will win a whole new face! I'm giving away one foundation kit and one eyeshadow kit of your choice to the biggest loser in love.


This way you can have a complete makeover and track your man down on Facebook and let him know what he missed out on! Darn it! Look at me now! You could have had all this, baby!